As I sit here pondering one of the biggest and most desired changes in my life, rather than being happy and excited, I find myself running through everyone in my life analysing what they have done and why they haven’t made the same choices as me. And, when I take a step away from my mind I realise just how stupid this really is.
Carnaby Street | London
For anywhere between the last six months and the past year, I have been wanting to move out of my parent's house and in with my boyfriend, closing the 120 miles that stand between us, and solidifying my adult life. We have been waiting not so patiently for him to find a job down South, and today, he was offered a job. Naturally, my initial reaction was relief, joy, excitement. But as the evening drew on, I questioned everything, the only way I know how. By comparing my situation to everyone I have ever met or heard about.
I don't think I’m by any means alone in this way of thinking, and from what I can see this is a result of three very influential parts of my life. The first being my continued academic career. Analysing and comparison are all we know, if you can’t locate your rationale in the literature then you just have a thought that is not taken as seriously as you would want it to be. The second is my anxiety, it makes me overthink naturally. A large reason why I feel that I have been able to do so well at university. Although, it took away just as much as it gave where that is concerned. And finally, our modern day culture, the comparison is everywhere. Every choice we make is carefully marketed by a big corporation shaming us into not making any other choice for any other product. And can you blame them? We love to compare ourselves, social media is full of it. We are not idiots, we are fully aware of the content we look at and what we buy as a result, but we aspire to be accepted, loved and appreciated. When something we do or something we buy isn’t the same as everyone else, we feel lost. I am a prime suspect of this.
I always saw a clear and distinct path in life, go to school, get good(ish) grades, go to university, graduate, do masters, graduate. But I never seemed to fully consider what I would do after, and as all my peers had already established their own careers, I felt left behind, lost and unsure if the steps I was taking were the right ones. We have all been told that ‘if everyone was the same, life would be boring’, so why am I so terrified to take a step that might be different from everyone else's?
I am sabotaging my own happiness to gain acceptance from everyone and no-one.
It is in the decisions that truly terrify you and keep you up at night that your own life begins. Sometimes we need to take a step back from everyone else to spent quality time getting to know who we truly are. And maybe then, we will realise that you know what, we are doing the right things and that we are perfectly imperfect just the way we are.
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